Photography by Christina Claus Photography www.christinaclaus.com
It's hard to believe that there was ever life before this perfect baby boy. The baby that almost never was. The baby that we never expected to welcome into open & surprisingly expectant arms. You see, he's the living, breathing blessing that God gave to us - post vasectomy.
We had it all planned out, you know. We were really good at developing these picture perfect plans and executing them at will. In fact, since I always get my way, I'm pretty bent & determined to do things exactly according to the plans laid before me - by me. No one else. My husband and I chatted about this long before we even got married. Three kids. Sounded like a perfect little family to me. Maybe we'd have a few boys & a girl. Or a few girls & a boy. Like a perfectly planned TV family where the characters are so obviously fictional and created ever so precisely to create just the right amount of character conflict and entertaining drama. But yet, that's the image I always had in my head. A mixed gender family of 3 beautiful little children…and most likely they would have been blue eyed.
That was the dream.
Where exactly do these pre-conceived notions, of what our future selves will look like, come from anyway? I have no idea WHY I wanted 3 children or why I had any expectations at all. I mean, what if we couldn't even have children? There was a long period of my life where I started wondering if that were actually true. My husband and I had waited a long time to start "trying" to have children. We were so young when we got married (the fresh age of twenty-one) that we wanted to travel, enjoy each other and build a solid relationship before the whole procreation thing. We did that. We loved it. We ended up living in New Zealand for the most unforgettable year of our lives together. Upon returning home and going back to some less than stimulating jobs; we decided it was probably time to play grown-up now. Within a few months my husband got hired in his full time gig and I was called into Ministry. Seemed like a great time to start our family. We had plans. Remember?
We got pregnant before we could blink. Shockingly fast. Like first time on the race-track and we win the grand prix! With the greatest excitement we told our parents our exciting news. Only to find out within the week of sharing our joy, that we were losing the baby. Instead of basking in a vacation and smiling myself to sleep with my hand on my belly, I was in the hospital in severe pain and emotional turmoil. Turns out this wasn't the first time that I would experience this, either. It just kept happening. Seemingly endless. 4 pregnancies and no babies. The last miscarriage was the most difficult. Partly because it was Christmas Day and partly because I was starting to lose sight of my vision of what my future family was going to look like. How naive I was! I had no idea that just around the corner was waiting my lovely little family.
Then it just happened. Pregnancies turned into growing bellies, swelling feet and screaming newborns. I had my perfect family. Three little Kooligans. Falling more and more in love with these munchkins as the grow and become little humans. Our family complete. My heart full. My vision of blue-eyed girls and boys wasn't too far off. Three brown-eyed boys who look just like their handsome daddy. And life as I knew it was just right.
Enter the day that God decided to show me that I don't get to make all of the decisions and that His plan is much bigger than mine. The day would forever change my idea of what a perfect family looked like. I wasn't very good at keeping track of my cycle. I mean, why would I even bother, my husband had a vasectomy almost a year ago. And he was one of the good ones, he actually got checked after his surgery. More than once! It came as quite a shock to me when I started trying to figure out just how long it had been since I had used my trusty DivaCup and my Women's Monthly essential oil blend. After some calculating my heart started to flutter…but I was certain this was more of a heart attack than delightful anticipation. I decided not to let myself believe anything at all, until it was confirmed. My husband at work and my children at school I had some time to go to the drug store. To an aisle I never thought I'd visit again. Family Planning. So ironic, considering this was NOT a part of my plan.
I took the test. Peed on that stick as I had done many many times before in my life…but it was so different. I always peed with this air of excitement, hope & dare-i-say even joy. Have you ever peed with joy? This test was not the same. I sat there dreading the result. Worried sick about what it could mean. Running through scenarios about how my world was going to shift entirely if there were two lines on that strip. It was positive. I stared in disbelief. It was positive. Tears flowed but I had no thoughts in my head except "I can't do this". I know now that it wasn't the baby that upset me, but my fear of my abilities that scared me to the core. How could I do this all over again? Pregnancy. Childbirth. Newborn. Night feeding. The whole lot of it, all while being a parent to the Kooligans. I can't do this. I texted a picture of the strip to my husband at work. He called me immediately and I answered with sobs instead of words. He hung up the phone and came home and held me. And he laughed. How dare he? How could he laugh at this? He held me tight and found such amusement in the situation. Writing this, I smile about it. I think fondly of that moment because it truly has become a humorous situation to us. We thought that we could control our life and take control out of the hands of our Creator. So funny. How amused He must be. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. (Jer 29:11). I looked into my husbands eyes and formulated a sentence. All I could say to him was "How am I supposed to do this?" and I wish that I could remember his reply. But I remember the feeling of knowing that we were in it together and that God was in control overwhelmed me. My feelings of self doubt and fear melted away so quickly. God replaced them in my heart with feelings of possibility, love, contentment, trust & acceptance.
I sent my oldest and dearest friend a text message. I had to tell someone. Actually, I had to tell her. She had four kids. And I always thought she was slightly crazy. I needed her to tell me that having four kids doesn't make you want to pull your hair out and eat it. Someone had to say it out loud - it's going to be okay! She actually didn't tell me that. Instead, with great wisdom, she sent me this Bible verse.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand" Isaiah 41:10
I read the verse on my phone and I cried…but it was tears of joy for my heart knew that such Truth resounds from these simple words. Of course I can't do this. I can't do anything - not by myself anyways. My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven & earth.
It wasn't even 24hrs later that I was laughing about it with my husband. He got the joke right away, but it took me a little longer to catch on. That's not really unusual in our house anyways. We came to know that it was a situation we couldn't change, so we might as well talk about it and laugh. It's not just an amusing story, but also one of my life's most defining moments. I don't get to design my life, but I need to call on the great designer of all things to help me in the life that He's given me. It gave me a new perspective on everything and also a second (okay, fourth) chance at doing this whole baby thing right. I knew that this time I was really going to slow down and enjoy it. I wasn't going to rush back to work and general busy-ness. I was going to spend more time in gratitude and in quiet moments. I was going to learn to stop the hurry through each day and appreciate the beauty of being a mama. I decided not to return to my Ministry position at the Church, but to pursue a job that gave me even more flexibility and freedom (click here to read more about that).
While this beautiful miracle baby is only 3 months old at the moment, I can tell you what a massive blessing he has been to my life and our family. He has he biggest smile. His brothers love to help me with caring for him and snuggling him. He has a hilarious and fiery personality already and he looks just like all the other little Kooligans. Our family is complete and he is loved, wanted, welcome, blessed, valued & cared for. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And as it turns out, I finally have a blue-eyed baby. Isn't he beautiful?
Photography by Christina Claus Photography www.christinaclaus.com
